The scorched earth policy

In about 4 hours, I will be on a plane to LA. It was only 8 months ago that I was dragging my freshly dumped ass to that fair isle, bitter, scorned and quite frankly, a bit heartbroken. Now can I just shock you? Between now and then, I’ve actually been dumped a few more times.

It got me thinking about break ups, the old heave ho, the HMS ‘do one’. I for one, have now developed a very strict policy when a break up happens in my world (and I’ve had some fucking break ups). That policy is now known between my friends and I as the ‘scorched earth policy’. Also referred to as ‘carpet bombing’, Wikipedia defines it as:

“a military strategy that targets anything that might be useful to the enemy while advancing through or withdrawing from an area. Any assets that could be used by the enemy may be targeted, for example food sources, transportation, communications, industrial resources, and even the people in the area.”

This is mostly focusing on communication and people… but you get the point. In the face of adversity, I act like the fucking Russian army.

Some think it’s harsh, but imagine you have a friend. You do everything together, you’ve met their family, made loads of plans for future outings and trips. When people invite you out, you come as a pair. Oh and you’ve bumped uglies, like loads.

Now imagine that person calls you up one day and says ‘I don’t fancy being your mate anymore, all that stuff I planned with you, well – forget about it’. Seems rough as a sand dipped dildo right? You wouldn’t be mates with them anymore would you? In fact, you’d probably think they were a massive ass hat and so would anyone else.

Plus lets say you get a new boyfriend, they don’t want to be around your ex either do they? Because we all know, there’s no annoyance quite like the ‘fart-in-a-lift-style stench’ of somebody you know has shoved parts of their body into your significant other hanging about.

When the curtain fell on the relationship that got me to writing this blog, I decided that was it. I was in the market to ignore this dude so hard he started to doubt his own existence. Thanks to friends that are loyal and understanding of my methods, he got ghosted by anyone I could think he would want to continue to be in contact with, including me.

Now I’ll warn you, for this policy to function at full capacity, a support network of fellow snub-a-sauruses is required. Here’s an example: My very close friend Sarah informed me on the day I left for LA last September that said ex had text her, asking if she wanted to meet up so he could ‘give her my stuff left at his house’ (that I’d already told him to throw away because even if he had my copy of the magna fucking carter, I wasn’t interested in seeing or speaking to him ever again.) This was a transparent attempt to break back into contact after a week of radio silence.

She sent me a screenshot of the message and asked me what I would like her to do. We discussed it and concluded texting him back the two words: ‘post it’ and blocking him was the best course of action. Flawless freeze out.

If you’re still not convinced, I’m going to walk you through why the scorched earth policy is the biggest favour you can do yourself post break up:

Problem: Watching your phone like a hawk that likes getting poked in the eye.

Scorched earth solution:

Friend: ‘Have you heard any more from INSERT NAME HERE, has he text you?’

Me: ‘Can’t, I’ve blocked him.’

Problem: Wincing as you scroll down Facebook or Instagram, expecting a gut punch

Scorched earth solution:

Friend: ‘Have you seen INSERT NAME HERE’s new girlfriend on Facebook/Instagram?’

Me: ‘Nope blocked him’

Problem: Looking around your room and seeing things they bought you like you live in a museum of why you don’t deserve love. 

Scorched earth solution: 

Friend: ‘Have you kept that nice INSERT GIFT HERE, INSERT NAME HERE got you’

Me: INSERT NAME HERE who?

Just as 2+2 can be five and the ministry of peace controls war – you can make that douchebag stupid enough to dump you into an unperson if you so choose.

I believe in you.