International Women’s Day

It’s International Women’s Day people and being 28, I feel like I can sort of, almost, maybe call myself a woman. I sometimes catch myself being one, when I do things like ferret for paracetamol in my handbag or dutifully tidy up other peoples mess with an eye roll and a huff.

On a day when everyone is thinking about what it means to be a woman, I thought I would share some of what goes on inside our heads. These are our daily plights and struggles – in a time when ‘feminism’ is a dirty word and people are piping up with “when’s international men’s day?” (everyday is international men’s day) I’m here to tell you – having jumper spuds and a chuff isn’t always the party it’s made out to be.

  • We’re thinking about other people all the time

I’m not sure if it’s the fact that we were slaving away with dolls that pissed themselves and plastic ovens, waiting for our five year old husbands to come back from the toy soldier war and chasing each other with shitty sticks or if it’s an inbuilt thing – but women are used to having to worry about other people. When you think women are nagging you, we’re just worrying and fulfilling a need to nurture.

A girl I once lived with and I had a long conversation regarding how she and I would think about our boyfriends and how our actions might affect them all the time. We’d make sure they had lunch, text asking how they were and fashion plans according to their schedule. It became pretty clear that this wasn’t reciprocated – their daily thought processes consisted of tits, the task at hand, their work and maybe us, if we were talking to them at that exact moment.

I’ve always envied men’s ability to tune into their own needs and not every other prick traipsing through their day. I mean, it is what makes them dictators and sex offenders but I imagine it can be bloody handy.

  • Shouting/catcalling/making sexual innuendos makes us feel gross 

Being quite blessed in the breasticle area since around the age of 13 has meant I now no longer even bother wearing a low cut garment – it just isn’t worth the verbal abuse. Men will stare, shout things from their cars, make comments over bars I’ve worked in.

In a victim blaming, misogynistic, society if you react with anything other than a coy smile and a giggle, you’re a grumpy bitch.

Can you imagine if a woman you had no interest in approached you in a bar, scanned your groin and said gruffly ‘nice todger mate, you couldn’t get many of those in a biscuit tin’? You’d probably start wearing looser trousers.

  • The pressure of getting married and having children makes us feel like failures if it doesn’t happen

I’m only 28 and if I had a quid for every person that asked me when I’m having a baby or when I’m getting engaged I could buy a plane ticket and move to fucking Alaska where I wouldn’t have to deal with that bullshit.

The notion that winter is coming is very real. If I don’t find ‘the one’ in the next three years I’ll be a dusty old husk, banished to knitting with the WI and going on walking holidays with lesbians, all showing each other pictures of our cats (not euphemism).

Oh and my personal favourite ‘you can have kids well into your 30’s now you know?’ Thanks for pointing out that my innards are being looked at like a near expiry dairy product on the turn.

  • Men are scared women are going to laugh at them, women are scared men are going to  murder them.

If you’ve ever walked home in the dark and been walking behind a woman, you can bet your bottom dollar she’s sizing up whether she can get her keys inbetween her knuckles and shove them in your eyes before your murdering ass can hammer her skull in.

It seems dramatic, but if you’re a woman, chances are you can be physically overpowered by a man.

It’s simple trust, faith and the advances in DNA testing that gets you to leave the house to meet a potential husband (see above point). In the words of Louis CK ‘If you ask a woman where she is going on a date with a guy, the answer should be – to your death statistically’



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