Question time!

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus right? There’s some questions us ladies are dying to come out and ask, but will always seem to get a guarded answer from the men in our lives, even if we do pluck up the courage. If they are partners or boyfriends, they don’t want a good old fashioned dumping for spilling the truth. If they are family or even good friends, these questions are just too hard to answer because they might hurt your feelings. It may interest you to know – in collecting these answers, a few of my ‘subjects’ refused to answer certain questions in case their partners found out. 

Therefore, I have gathered some questions submitted anonymously by women and gathered some male counterparts to answer them, also anonymously – in the hope of shedding some light in the confusing basement circus that can be male/female interactions.

Get ready to see behind the curtain, go down the rabbit hole…if you think you can handle the truth.

Men can have enough hair to fill a small sofa cushion, but we rock a full Kate Bush and you act like it’s a new strain of angry possum trying to ruin your fun…explain?

Porter: This is because of porn, simply put men are gross and set all our expectations of this region based on it. Most guys experience female nudity and start their sexual journey through porn and as a result, we almost think that it is real, also, this is something we do young and don’t know any better. By the time we are sexually active we have seen hundreds of lady parts and almost all of them are as smooth as a frozen lake. It’s also an association thing, like women that don’t shave are dirty etc. I for one prefer there to be grass on the pitch.

Jambala: It’s a fair point. It wouldn’t be a game-changer for me though to be honest. I would probably have a personal preference but it would be fairly low down my priority list.

Trev:  I think men appreciate effort in that department. In my head, a groomed lady garden, is directly link to sexuality. I.e. massive hairy fanny= this is going to be boring.

Jeronimo: If the pube area doesn’t have every aroma from stale fanny water to dried hobo piss – I’m happy to get my floss on down there, but its more the cleanliness of it for me. Also I like looking at vaginas especially when they glisten with excitement, why hide it behind a shrub straight out of Mordor? At least cocks around bushes can rise from the ashes like a phoenix.

What is it about a girl that will get you to propose?

Porter: Everything! This could be the longest answer to any question ever! We have all been in love before, we have all fucked like rabbits and been attached at the hip for months thinking within the first few days that this is the one. When the honeymoon phase ends most often one of two things happen. We either slip into a complacency coma with moderate intimacy and an acceptance of living pretty much separate lives or we break up and look for the next honeymoon. You could say shit about being your best friend or soul mate, the reality is you have to still like each other through thick and thin and most importantly you have to know that they will win the fight against temptation.  

Jambala: Difficult to say since I haven’t done it. I suspect (or rather hope) I’d know if I was with in love with someone and want to spent the rest of my life with her. Perhaps she could propose and save me the terror?

Trev: The relationship is easy. So we are friends as well as partners, have equal respect for each other and absolute trust (both ways) and above all… for shit I would let slide, I don’t want get a hard time for that.

Jeronimo: I have never proposed, I have no idea, but if I was to propose it would be simply the fact I fucking love them so surely, I am too old to want to chase more dreams that I have to do alone and basically decided companionship with one other person is the most fulfilling thing in life.

What is it about a girl that will make you go out with her for years and possibly never propose?

Porter: I am going to hate myself for saying this, but it is because you think you can do better and you have not stopped looking elsewhere. You can love someone fully but unless you allow yourself to fully commit to that person and be comfortable with forever then you never stop looking. I spend 4 years in one relationship and 6 in another where I never popped the question because I never really saw myself as an old couple eating chips on Brighton Pier with them. I loved them both, I had no complaints and was happy, I just think I always knew that I never fully took the possibility of sharing my life with someone else off the table.

Jambala:  The sense of utter terror that would come with opening yourself up like that.

Jeronimo: Her letting herself be taken for granted. Easy going is good, but if you are doing fucking everything and you’re going to give them the easy life, it will eventually get taken for granted and they will take the piss. Its human nature, If everything is hunky dory on holiday when your sat at the beach with your third cocktail do you decide to get up and walk up a fuck off huge mountain overlooking the bay until altitude sickness sets in?? Of course you don’t, you sit on your ass and loot the free drinks for all they are worth until you decide to walk up the mountain in drunken haze telling your boyfriend to fuck off in front of the whole entertainment staff….(that went off on a tangent. sorry), fuck. I mean marriage requires team work, and everyone should pull their weight. Basically let them feel they earn the easy ride, not just give it to them on a plate with a side serving of needy wench/mothering.

Men propose to boring girls for an easy ride – explain?

Porter: No, Boring men propose to boring girls because they are excited by the idea of sharing their boring lives together. They can see themselves sitting at a dinner table, not talking too much and not be worried by that. I don’t know a guy that married someone for convenience. Its not to say that there are not men that think “she doesn’t mind my *insert boring or gross habbit/interest*” so I will marry her because no one else will. If this is a reason behind someone getting married you are looking at a deep level of personal insecurity. If you can see yourself happy with them, faithful with them forever then put a fucking ring on it.

Jambala: Men propose to boring girls for an easy ride – explain? If I’m right in thinking that ride isn’t a crude euphemism, then I imagine it’s just boring people being with boring people. My guess is if someone has passed you over for a boring person you’ve probably dodged a bullet.

Trev: They’re probably fucking boring themselves.

Jeronimo: They are really really fucking lazy, and would rather have it easy than happy. Its like asking a stoner to help you move house. They just can’t be fucked even if you cook them a meal and give them money.

Supermodel with one brain cell you can show off to your mates or ugly girl that’s got some great chat…you have to choose one and say why.

Porter: Neither, you have to want both and you can have both. If you think you are a terrible person for saying that just know there are a ton of people that would think the ugly girl is stunning and loads that would think the supermodel was as witty as Steven Fry. 

Jambala: No question the “ugly” girl. Why? Well where to start… I wouldn’t go out with someone to impress someone else; being boring is the absolute most un-sexy thing in the history of the world and I imagine that one brain cell would lead to some crushingly dull conversations; charisma is the most attractive feature and I imagine ‘great chat’ would go hand in hand with that.

Trev: I’d pick an “ugly” bird that I get on with over the super model dullard on the virtue that physical beauty fades, then you’re left with a dullard that also has skin like if a ball bag had a kneecap. The mere fact the other is an interesting person makes them attractive to me.

Jeronimo: Ugly bird every time. Feelings can make you look at things differently, so the bucked tooth wench with an arse that has moons orbiting it, can eventually become beautiful. There’s nothing sexy about a women that asks things like “why do cars have wheels?”

‘When a man is being quiet, he is most likely thinking about nothing’ …true or false?

Jeronimo: I would say false, although sometimes the thought is sooo deep and intense, its almost like a dream and is forgotten instantly as soon as I snap out of it.

Jambala: Nothing of consequence is probably true but I don’t know how much that is down to gender.

Trev: When I’m quiet, its one of several things a) nothing b) money worries or  c) one of my hobbies that is ultimately unimportant but takes up a lot of my brain power.

Colin: Well this depends on your definition of nothing. Am I considering the impact of George Osborne’s fiscal policy on our household finances or how to make best use of our limited garden space? Absolutely not. Am I thinking about the time I made a bigger comeback than the Ebola virus to rise to victory, in a game of headers and volleys in year six or whether astronaut’s farts get trapped in their spacesuits?

You see – boys are wired differently than girls and I believe that this stems from primary school. Whilst girls were busying learning the intricate nuances of friendships and social convention, we were establishing common grounds through a shared ignorance of danger and seeing who could jump from the highest part of the wall. When life gave girls lemons they analysed every possible option and agreed on making lemonade whilst we simply used them as projectiles; we are a simpler people. I don’t profess to know what is going on in the minds of the fairer sex but from an outsider point of view it does seem like you want to analyse every social interaction. You’re running Excel 2016 and crawling through the data looking for a deeper meaning and I’m running a Commodore 64 and blindly believing what is presented to me. Therefore I presume the idea of being able to zone out completely is as alien to you as is the fact that you might not be OK despite saying so when asked is to me. In conclusion, when I’m quiet I am almost certainly thinking about either a) nothing or b) something completely trivial. If something important was on my mind I would tell you. Moving on – when is Tim from work going to put his hand in his pocket and finally get a round in?

Do you lose respect or interest for someone you sleep with on the first date?

Porter: I wouldn’t sleep with someone that didn’t interest me enough to not want to see them again. The only downside to it, is it sets a really sexual president to your relationship going forward. I for one like the whole date before you rub parts deal. I also think that the one time I did do this, the fact it put me off her was mostly to do with her stealing a really good t-shirt from me.

Jambala: No, I thank them profusely! But seriously, no. And I think there is something a little mental about that psychology, but that’s another set of questions for another time.

Trev: No, you can’t blame her, I’m fucking charming. Ha! Not really, she didn’t lose any respect but she just didn’t gain any either.

Jeronimo: Probably lose, but not because its bad, because I’m an insecure mess and wonder if shes fucking everyone, I’m obviously going to be a disappointment to her better fucks.  Getting to please women is a minefield that already makes me nervous enough, so actually having some time to get to know them and be more comfortable works for me. Otherwise I feel like I just been given responsibility of pressing the big red button and the apocalypse is inevitable.

Do you still get ‘crushes’ (not including celebrities) even though you are now an adult, or are those a teenage boy thing?

Porter: I think they get suppressed as you get older. I think I stopped letting myself get carried away with them in my mid 20’s. You are better at dealing with rejection then and you can see the bigger picture. When you’re younger it’s all physical, that kind of dies a little as you get older as you are looking at so much more. I miss crushes, though.

Jambala:  Yup. For me that didn’t go away.

Jeronimo: When I’m really horny I can get a temporary crush on the queen where I imagine banging her like she was on one of the older £10 notes, however the obsessiveness does die with age and its gets more tricky to be bowled over when you slept with enough women to know fantasy and reality are not the same.

Do men get to an age, like a lot of women, where they think…shit, I don’t want to end up an old maid.

Porter: Of course. The older you get the less you see of your friends and you crave companionship. Men think they want to go down the pub with their mates and go on a lads holiday every year until they realize they are not young anymore and then it kind of hit hard. No one wants to be the oldest bachelor in town, we all just want the right person I think and that gets harder the older you get. I think around the time you walk into Top man and think “I wouldn’t wear any of this” is about the time men think, “fuck, I need to settle down”

Trev: Absolutely, I have a lot of friends who are starting to get them feels.

Jeronimo: I have had a few moments, but its more to do with depression than anything and going for the self loathing option. Its pretty obvious you will find someone in the next 3 years. 

Jambala: I don’t know really. It’s not really a cultural reference point the way it is for women and I don’t have enough male friends in an age group where that would be a thing. I certainly don’t want to up living as a singleton like loser though.

Finally… One action, taken by a man can be dubbed ‘chivalrous’. The same act by a woman will be dubbed ‘psycho’ or ‘desperate’ … Should men be left to do the chasing?

Porter: No men should not do all the chasing. Somewhere between Sex and the City and Buzzfeed we all started to think far too much about what being chivalrous meant as well as who should be making the moves…There is a massive difference to “He bought me some flowers on the first date” to “He showed up at my office to tell me he likes me – I did not tell him where I worked” after the first date. It just shouldn’t be fake, it should be about who you are. 

Trev: No, I personally don’t mind being asked out and that sort of thing. I think that men get rejected all the time so its taken in their stride (mostly) but it seems like women take that shit really to heart when they get rejected – so that’s the risky bit.

Jambala: Definitely not. It would mean someone like me would never see anyone. Oh and y’know misogyny…

Jeronimo: Its a modern world. When you want a new pair of shoes, I’m sure you go into the shop and ask for those shoes in your size. Why can’t you ask a man if you are his size? Feminism is coming anyway and soon women will tell every man that’s interested in her to fuck off and that she doesn’t do anything that a man wants and they will be chewing up and spitting out dudes at a phenomenal rate, they will be the cool ones. I think we are going to become pets almost soon. . . . And I very much approve, it’s been one sided for too long. We deserve it.


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