After a week of being hungover I felt like it was time to try and ‘find myself’ or whatever the fuck the point of going travelling is – maybe that’ll make me more appealing to the male sex?
Bali isn’t all about catching chlamydia in Skygarden toilets and sleeping on someone else’s sick you know. They also have a very intense yoga hippy culture up in the hills. If you head to Ubud, like myself – you can see this in full swing. I’ll tell you this – I have never seen so many female underarms rocking a Brian Blessed caliber pit beard in all my life. As you can imagine these features are also accompanied by this (non exhaustive) list of other traits/items:
- White people dreadlocks
- Fire poi
- Crystal healing
- Bare feet
- Annoying smug conversations along the lines of ‘I ordered Timothy a vegan birthday cake and didn’t tell them and they all loved it and it was so funny when I told them!’
While hippy life was lovely and everything, there was a part of me with my yearning for alcohol and British pessimism that wanted to quote Mark from Peep Show and burst out with:
“Well, listen, I’m sorry if I didn’t do it right and I’m sorry if you assume that I eat red meat and don’t necessarily think money or Tony Blair are a bad thing, but if there isn’t room here for people who stand against everything you believe in, then what sort of a hippy free-for-all is this?”
But of course, I didn’t say any of that. I bit my tongue and went to a free yoga session in an old theatre with some of the girls from my dorm.
As soon as we got there, plinky plonky music, the waft of incense and a human slinky of a yoga teacher greet us. Now I don’t know how many yoga classes you have attended but there is a strict quota of people you will always find there. One being, some old dude who does the first three minutes warm up then promptly falls asleep and snores for the rest of the class while everyone just has to act cool with his time wasting ass. Then there are the novices who swivel about on one leg like a pissed toddler at the back (me and the girls from the dorm). Then there are the most awful of all the attendees: The people who do a headstand five seconds after getting their mat out just so everyone in the class knows how much organic dust they eat and how good at yoga they are.
Well this class was no exception, we wobbled, the old guy snored and some absolute coin of a woman got on her head five seconds after the class started.
After we left, I just couldn’t keep it in anymore
Me: Oh god, everyone else saw that twat do a headstand as soon as we got in right?
American girl: What? I thought that’s great she can do a headstand!
Me: That’s the difference between English and American sentiment thought right? You think it’s all great and all I think is – Oh just stop it you big hairy show off!
The American girl turned back to her decaf soya iced whatever and I googled ways to get back to the beach. Where people throw up on their beds, drink beer in pools and finger people in dorms. I think we all know that’s my real spiritual home.