He’d be good for you, he has a smart haircut, he has a face…as a woman in my 20’s I have heard every reason from my mum as to why I have picked the wrong man and there is a nicer one with things like a job and money and a house and stuff that I would probably need to spawn her future grandchildren.
I mean, some people are bang into arranged marriages – maybe your parents choosing for you weeds out the element of neurosis that pushes us to select the same massive wanker every time and then wonder where it all went wrong. For example, on my first date with my most recent ex, he punched a man square in the face. Then I spent the next year wondering why he would lose his temper and get angry at me for the littlest thing. Because he had a fucking anger problem, remember, him punching a total stranger?
Just to clarify, he never hit me, if he had I would have cut his dick off and thrown it out of a moving car, but I should have seen that there was a streak in this one, and maybe I should go for a man that had the balls to walk away.
So I feel like a sensible next move would be to take my dating destiny out of my, clearly, incapable hands.
I chuck Mum in headfirst, and explain that you can either say yes or no, there are no maybes, and if he likes you too, the app will tell you. If you want to see more pictures you can, and if you want to see what they write about themselves, you click on the profile. That’s all I have the heart to reveal about the dark and strange underworld that is Tinder right now.
Mum’s reason: What? No! What the hell does the think he’s doing?
My thoughts exactly.
Mum’s reason: Oh dear, his hair!
Me: What I thought you’d be up for him!
Mum’s reason: He looks like a right willy woofter
Me: Moving on…
Alas upon seeing his bio in more detail…
Me: Nothing, they’re just emojis. That’s a tortoise emoji, it seems to be farting into fire.
Mum: Well there’s funny and there’s just not funny, a tortoise farting fire, I ask you.
We swipe left.
Justin catches Mum’s eye for looking like a ‘smart young man with a proper haircut.’ I did point out he was the CEO of Tinder, but as she really doesn’t know what that entails, she isn’t deterred until a scan of his other photo’s reveals this clanger:
Mum’s reason: Yes for looks but why is he flirting with a girl in his pictures right here?
Me: Because that’s what men do on tinder and because he can.
Will brings up the topic of ‘super likes’. I explain that he has pressed the star so I know he’s really keen. I also explain that he has probably done this to loads of , if not every girl on here and as a girl we don’t really tend to press that button for fear of men’s heads exploding. (I mean pants, but this is my Mum)
Anyway, it’s still a no.
Mum’s reason: He’s sat in a bath.
She has a point.
Mum’s reason: Silly pizza t-shirt.
Now Joshua has lit a fire under mums seat!
Mum’s reason: He is dishy!
So I swipe right.
Honestly, at the sight of this match my mum couldn’t be happier if he walked in clasping an engagement ring. She’s clapping and bouncing in her chair.
I explain that we have to see if he messages me now. With his chiselled and devilish good looks, he’s not my type, not one bit. But next to bath man and Count Dracula up there he does look like a good catch. Maybe mother does really know best?
P.s At the time of writing this, Joshua is yet to message me.