The Rules

On this trip I was sure to meet up with my good friend let’s call her…Judith…I say good friend, truth is we met hammered in a bar in East London when she was doing very much the same thing I am doing now, bar hopping around on another continent. But don’t let that detract from our bond.

She was another one of those amazing, eternally single, strong women. ┬áIt’s not like she is a mutant either, she looks like a young, blue eyed Whitney Houston before the crack really caught hold. Judith is the type of woman you’ll marvel over, wondering why she hasn’t been snapped up and impregnated to further the first class gene pool.

Remember my pal Warlock from the first blog entry who sold me down the river for a healthy, lasting relationship? Well Judith has joined the fucking club. Her new man, let’s call him… Gary…is perfect. I ask to see a picture, and he is a very tall, well built, face-like-a-ken-doll guy she met at work.

So as we sit in the bar of an LA cinema, sipping red wine and disturbing/offending all the other patrons with our howls over the mechanics of not farting in front of your boyfriend ever, she shared with me the secret of how she hooked this ten pound carp. Apparently, it’s all down to ‘The Rules’.

‘The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right’ is by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. Written in 1995 by two women, who, let’s make clear, have no psychology training, but have probably dated their fair share of absolute tubes.


In the interest of time and these women’s book sales, I’ll do a quick summary for you. The rules basically encourage the notion that men are hunters and you are the prize. By being forward and taking the lead, you are emasculating your potential Mr Right and making yourself too available, which means he will eventually get bored of you.

Judith expands on some of her favourites for me:

  • Never text or call him first, if he wants to talk to you, he will initiate.
  • Don’t return his call or text immediately, you are far too busy and in demand.
  • When you are at a party or a bar, don’t follow him around or stand near him the whole time, he will come and find you.
  • Don’t leave stuff at his house or talk about the future, that’s his job, plus you don’t care about that, because you have your own fabulous plans for the future.

Makes sense right? If it worked for Judith, who has never had a serious boyfriend until she employed this system, then I can totally do this, I’ll have a ring on my finger before you can say ‘Green Card’.

However – in practice, this is fucking rock solid hard to do. I forget the correct spelling of my middle name, let alone like, 40 (ish) rules on how to look cool. And maybe I’m too soft? I think, this poor prick he’s getting played, I’m not busy, I’ve been watching five episodes of Mad Men and Googling the Zika virus. Plus, once I inevitably drop my guard and start sending him pictures of dogs I’ve seen unprompted and calling him to ask ‘what happens if I drank a tiny bit of washing up liquid?’ He’ll be divorcing my ass for false advertising.

Isn’t it better to just be sold as seen? I will admit that not texting someone just because you crave the reply, is a good rule of thumb. It’s a great practice to distract yourself and throw yourself into the moment you are in and enjoy it rather than think about a man that probably isn’t thinking about you. The satisfaction of getting a text from a guy you didn’t text first is nice, but rules were made to be broken, especially by people like me, who are, in the best way, just a tiny bit broken.


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